I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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