so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
