hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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