i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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