I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
