I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
