Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
