i was born a porn star she said
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
