So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
