I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
