remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize
