do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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