onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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