wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
