Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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