I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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