omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize