Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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