Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
