He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Randomize