so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
