Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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