i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
