When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
