You're a womanizer and a bitch.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
