I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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