i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
