My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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