TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
our cab driver is having phone sex.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
