I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
