laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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