You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
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