I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
The best revenge is premature balding
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
