You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
No more Irish car bombs ever.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Don't tell me you're on acid again
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
