I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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