Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
