There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
