I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
