No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
