you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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