somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
