seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You ate ashes out of my bong
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
