Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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