I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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