T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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