he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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