I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
