Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize