I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
