i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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