Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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