Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
