Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
