What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
