she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
