meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
