So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
