Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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