the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
