my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
